It was nearly three months between making the appointment and getting in. They told me very little, and now I know why. If they had tried to explain to me what would happen, I would not have gone! I would have lied to my doctor about sleeping the sleep of angels and that would have been the end of any complaints from me about endless restless nights.
Wray drove me in around 9:30 pm. I was ushered to a little room, past a very large, young man on a chair, wrapped in what looked at a glance like bungee cords (poor bugger, I thought!) and told to get into my PJ's and make myself comfortable on the metal bed with a small, hard mattress. I gave the place a good once-over. It was sparse but clean and very, very cold. I like it cool, but this was a meat-locker. Finally it was my turn.
My technician, Alex, began to rub alcohol on me in small, strategically located circles, until my skin was raw. He rubbed my calves. He rubbed my shoulders. He rubbed my temples, chin, neck, behind my ears and on two spots on the top of my head. Then everywhere he rubbed, he placed a little contact pad to which was snapped a wire, which lead back to a small computer about the size of an Ipod. There were about 20 wires total. This could be worse, I thought, no biggie. Alex then attached 3 blue straps, like the kind you put around suitcases when they're too full to close; one around my neck, one around my chest and a third around my middle. They were very tight but Alex called them "snug" and said I would get used to them. I sort of did. A clear tube with two little probes went up my nose (I'm thinking, could I look any hotter right now?) and another probe was taped to my left index finger. Very gingerly, Alex shuffled me to my room and settled me on the frosty bed.
After a series of tests to make sure things were working properly, Alex returned with a clipboard. "Now", he asked, "What time do you normally go to bed?" "About 8 o'clock", I replied. "I get up for work at 3." "Eight o'clock!" said Alex. "Well, this will never work! This is wrong! They should have booked you for 8 o'clock!" These were not words I wanted to hear as I was lying in the one position I was allowed to assume all night, covered in electrodes, wires and very sticky tape, and freezing my toes off. It was 11:30 pm.
Alex's last words as he left me for the night were, "If you need anything, just say my name. You have a microphone on your neck and there is a camera above you. Don't hesitate. I'll come right away. About five minutes after he left it was clear that one blanket wouldn't do here in the frozen food section. "Alex", I said into the microphone. Nothing. "Alex, could I please have another blanket?" The speaker remained silent. This went on for about 10 more tries over maybe 20 minutes. Finally he returned with 2 blankets. "Sorry, I went on break", he explained.
Sometime, somehow during the night, between my aching back and the freezing room, I fell asleep. My next memory was of being freed and told it was nearly 6 am. My hair was a combination of Sideshow Bob and Phyllis Diller. I had sticky squares all over me. As Alex removed the tape and wires - a much quicker process than applying them - I felt positively giddy over getting to leave. I tried to make a little joke. "Alex", I said, "this is the worst spa I've ever stayed at. I'm never coming back!" Alex said blankly, "What?" My humour was powerless in this place.
Whether they will they conclude anything about my sleep pattern, beyond the fact that I keep crazy hours, remains to be seen. It was certainly an unusual experience. Once I got home, around 6:30 am, I slept the best sleep I've had in months.